The Miracle Of Love


Alone
(by Edgar Allan Poe )

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:

This Poem explains my childhood so well .... I lived in deep torment and pain.  My mother became mentally ill when I was 9. After the death of my sister my mother became convinced I willed her to death and for that she would make me pay for it. To my mother I became Satan and every evil effect in her life. My mother for the next 7 years spiraled into insanity and she tried to take me with her. I lived in horror-able abuse that can not be explained here in this forum.

During these years  I would weep endless tears. I cried so much that tears could no longer form and comfort never came unto me. The key to my whole life was the prayer I prayed very often. At the end of each day I would lay in bed filled with inner torment. I wanted so much for someone to love and hold me.

So I turned to God. "God," I would say "I know you are busy and I don't want to be a bother to you. But please could you just hold me. I don't ask for the tortures to go but I do ask you to help me endure them." Then I would pretend I was in God's arms and within his bosom I would weep my pain to him. I tried not to move very much, for I believed God didn't love me but was just putting up with my weakness. Some nights if I was very brave I would ask God if He loved me. "God, I know you love me, people say you do , but if I could just hear you say it I would follow you all my life. "

 Every night for many years I prayed these prayers unknowing to me how well God heard. On March 28, 1978 (I was 16) I was with two friends talking about a play I wrote for God. We were wonderingwhat God thought of it, seeing how it was wrote for him. Then all at once the room was filled with God's presence, we all looked at each other we all knew He was with us. My friends got scared and up and left .

I was all alone with God, His presence fell upon me. He said "I love you, Kathy". . . . In a flood within me I remembered all the times in my hell I asked Him if he even cared. I remembered how I asked to hear the words and that I would follow Him all
my life. In a second He answered thousands wondering and all my tears. How I wept to hearthe words I so desired hear for so long. From that moment on my whole life was the Lord's.

That night upon my bed I was wrapped within His presence and great love... like a bath and it was so much I thought I would drown at times. Again I was scared to move to much for it felt like if I moved this great love would smother me. For this gift I am so gratefulfor it was the most treasured thing God ever gave me. For others take for granted three little words  ( I Love You), but to me they were a treasure I thought I could never have.